


Chat Log

by frankiesin



Series: Say It With Neon [10]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fanfiction in Fanfiction, Gen, Let's Have Some Meta Bitches Love Meta, Online Friendship, Pining, Pre-Relationship, but they don't know it yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 14:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14334879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankiesin/pseuds/frankiesin
Summary: Ryan and Jon's relationship started online in 2003, when Jon decided to read some fanfiction about his friend's band.(pre-Mile Marker 17 Ryan/Jon stuff)





	Chat Log

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DallonWho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DallonWho/gifts).



> Is this me projecting on characters because I can't admit my feelings in real life? Oh, yes. 100%. I am not a functional human and because of this you guys get Rywalk.
> 
> Also: Spencer's referred to with she/her pronouns but not because Ryan's a dick. It's because he hasn't figured his whole trans sitch out yet. (And also Ryan is called Ryan because she hasn't changed her name to Rochelle at this point either)

**February 7, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

Ryan logged onto her iam-clandestine LiveJournal, marked her AIM as  _ online _ , and didn’t touch MySpace. She’d finished her first Mikey/Pete fanfiction, and she wanted everything to go perfectly. This was big for her, because there wasn’t really any other Mikey/Pete fic out there. There were fourteen fics in total, but they were all smut or they were Mikey being Pete’s ex. There was nothing just for Mikey and Pete, and Ryan was going to change that. Today. It was going to be iconic. 

 

Well, she hoped it would be iconic. She’d been doing well in the Wentzley circles, and had progressed from posting only in closed forums to posting on her actual LiveJournal page. Arma Angelus was getting popular enough that people were comfortable writing fic about the guys. And there was My Chem fic too, but Ryan really only cared about Mikey. She didn’t know why, but she’d grown attached to the guy over the winter break, and now he was all she could think about. 

 

Not in a straight way. Sure, Mikey was hot, but he wasn’t Ryan’s type. He was also the same height as her, which wasn’t allowed. Ryan didn’t date people who were her height or taller, because she liked being the tall one. She liked hooking her chin over her partner’s shoulder and being the big spoon. 

 

Her current girlfriend, Sherri, was five foot two and tiny as shit. She had bleached blonde hair and she let Ryan wear some of her hair clips. Sherri didn’t care that Ryan wore makeup. Ryan was pretty sure she was in love with Sherri. She just had to figure out how to come out to her. 

 

Ryan posted  _ Downtown Jersey Lattes _ , a 18k Pete/Mikey coffee shop AU, and then moved to her inbox. It was weird to always have new comments from people, but Ryan wasn’t complaining. The people who left comments on her LJ stuff were always nicer than the people on her MySpace. There were some creepy dudes on MySpace. Ryan was glad that they hadn’t realised she was trans, because she was terrified of that happening. That was her dirty internet secret. Not nudes, or a sex tape, but that she had a dick. 

 

Ryan rolled her eyes. There was probably porn about that. Cisgender people were ridiculous sometimes. 

 

As she scrolled through her comments, she noticed a name pop up multiple times.  _ 504planman _ . Ryan frowned. She didn’t get the name, and she knew all of Arma’s shit, so it couldn’t be an Arma reference. It didn’t seem like a My Chem or Midtown reference either, and those were the only other people who hung out with the Arma fans. The band fandom was small, but it was growing, and Ryan didn’t know how a 504 Plan fit into any of the bands she knew. 

  
  


_ 504planman on “The Key to a Man’s Heart (Is Vegan Cupcakes)” (01/18/2003): i don’t read slash, ever, but this is really funny. my friends wanted me to find weird fanfiction of arma for us to laugh about but this isn’t going to be it. you’re a realy talented writer _

 

_ 504planman on “Dive On In” (01/20/2003): oh my god pete no. you can’t just ask a dude if he’s into oral you have to ease into it. (hah) (that’s a lube joke) _

 

_ 504planman on “Dive On In”  (01/21/2003): i love andy in this. i don’t think he’s like that in real life, but it works for the world you’ve created. he’s so straight forward, and he and pete really work together. damn. now i kind of want them to date irl. you should be a match maker, what the fuck?? _

 

_ 504planman on “Dive On In”  (01/23/2003): im supposed to go to class in 5 minutes but instead im reading about pete and andy being on rival diving teams and i don’t know how this became my life but i’ve accepted this as my new normal _

 

_ 504planman on “Dive On In”  (01/24/2003): what!!! you can’t just leave it there!! look, i know i’m not supposed to beg for updates but like. if i can get you tickets to an arma show would you please at least tell me that pete’s parents are cool with him being gay? it’s stressing me out _

 

_ 504planman on “Hurley You’re Never Going To Believe This” (01/26/2003): ok im reading the x files au to calm down _

 

_ 504planman on “Hurley You’re Never Going To Believe This” (01/26/2003): ...on that note i can’t believe that i know what au means now and also that i just fucking used it. and im sorry about spamming you with comments, but everyone else is doing it so i think it’s the right thing to do? i have no idea what i’m doing anymore lmao _

 

_ 504planman on “Dive On In” (02/01/2003): YOU UPDATED! thank fuck i have a test next week and i kept getting distracted from studying bc of this fic. its amazing by the way. i dont know if i mentioned that in the last comment. but it is. amazing.  _

 

Ryan smiled. She didn’t know who this person was, but she liked their style. She clicked on their name and was brought to a page that was nothing like any of hers. It didn’t take her long to realise that this person was a guy, and that they were an actual musician and not just a fan. Ryan had a band, but they hadn’t put any music out ever, and they spent most of their time trying to get Brent to actually show up to rehearsal. 

 

504 Plan was the name of the band, and the LiveJournal was run by one of the members. Ryan didn’t know which one. She didn’t mind not knowing, but she didn’t like that they were from Chicago. That was too much of a coincidence. Arma was from Chicago. These guys looked like they might have similar music, which meant that they might know Pete or Andy, and that was weird. Ryan knew the rule of RPF: don’t share with the people involved. She didn’t know if the 504 Plan Man knew this, or if he’d fallen in over his head. 

 

She cracked her knuckles and clicked his last comment to reply to. 

 

_ iam-clandestine: hey. thanks fr the compliments. if u wanna talk more or whatever, feel free to add me on aim. i’m the same name there that i am here.  _

 

She marked the other messages from him as read, and then went on to talk to her actual readers. If this guy seriously liked her writing, and wasn’t just being an asshole with his friends about it, then ryan would talk to him. She didn’t like douchebags in fandoms. They ruined everything. 

 

* * *

 

**February 13, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ 504planman would like to chat! _

 

Ryan stared at her screen for a moment. She was supposed to be getting ready for school, and if she was going to chat with anyone this early in the morning, it would be Spencer or Sherri. She didn’t want to deal with this guy right now. He’d left a (really nice, really impressed) comment on her Petekey fic, but it was still weird. 

 

_ iam-clandestine: hey _

_ 504planman: hey! sorry it took me so long to actually message u; my band was playing in shows and i was doing a bunch of school newspaper shit _

_ iam-clandestine: what time is it where u r? bc its early as fuck here _

_ 504planman: you don’t have the chicago timezone memorized? _

_ iam-clandestine: really. _

_ iam-clandestine: i have other things to care about _

_ 504planman: sorry _

_ 504planman: it’s 8:30 here but i have school unfortunately _

_ 504planman: i don’t think you’re a crazy fangirl btw. i dont really get fan culture but like. you seem reasonable i guess _

_ iam-clandestine: im flattered. _

_ 504planman: so this is going to sound really weird considering what we were just talking about but can i offer you au suggestions? _

_ iam-clandestine: sure _

_ 504planman: do you still do wentzley? _

_ iam-clandestine: i have to feed my imaginary children somehow, so yea, i do wentzley _

_ iam-clandestine: pete/mikey is more fun; wentzley’s what i’m really here 4 _

_ 504planman: sweet _

_ 504planman: so it’s kind of based off ur bakery au but as a restaurant au? bc andys a vegan and pete’s veg so like… pete using his parents’ money to start a restaurant and andy’s a renown vegan/alt chef  _

_ iam-clandestine: i like that _

_ iam-clandestine: maybe they fight over how to run the restaurant until someone tries to shut it down bc they think veganism is ~too political~ and they realise how much they have in common _

_ 504planman: yes!! _

_ 504planman: make joe a waiter bc i’ve met him and he’d be so pissed to be just a waiter in a fancy ass universe like that _

_ iam-clandestine: lol _

_ iam-clandestine: what if i made ur band be the waitstaff _

_ 504planman: i mean tom works at mickie dees so thats close enough _

_ iam-clandestine: dude im joking about that _

_ 504planman: whoops _

_ iam-clandestine: yeah it’s kinda a rpf rule that u dont write about ppl u kno and if u kno ppl u write about they don’t get to read it _

_ iam-clandestine: so me putting tom in my fic would be crossing that line and i dont wanna do that _

_ 504planman: ok that makes sense _

_ 504planman: i didn’t share any of your writing with my friends, btw _

_ 504planman: it felt too much like making fun of an artist just because the music they make doesn’t resonate with us _

_ iam-clandestine: that’s good. there are definitely a lot of bad fics out there but making fun of them doesn’t fix the issue. it just makes writers not want to write any more _

 

He didn’t reply after that. Ryan was okay with that. She had other things to do. She was in that unfortunate part of adolescence where everyone was asking her what she was going to do with herself when she stopped being a child. Everyone expected Ryan to go to college, and Ryan planned to go to college, but she didn’t know where to go. She knew she was going to go somewhere far away, so that her dad couldn’t keep track of her and no one would know who she’d been before. She also knew that she was going to get a degree in English and Creative Writing, because that was the only thing she was good at. 

 

She might join a newspaper or journalism group, but she didn’t care about non-fiction. She liked things that weren’t real, because she could lose herself in the dream. 

 

Ryan sighed. She considered going to New York, but that was what every other writer did, and Ryan needed to stand out somehow. She couldn’t write to the college and say that she was trans, because that would make them want her less. Being trans or bisexual or any other brand of gay wasn’t what colleges cared about. They cared about the work Ryan put in. 

 

Ryan cracked her knuckles. She was going to have to get a lot of shit done if she wanted to go somewhere worth attending. 

 

* * *

 

**February 27, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ New post from druscilla_writes! _

 

Ryan made a face. She didn’t hate Dru. Dru wrote for Pete/Patrick and Pete/Joe and that made her uncomfortable because Joe was her age. Sure, Ryan had sucked Pete’s dick, but she wasn’t in a relationship with him and she knew that a relationship between the two of them wouldn’t work out. 

 

Besides, Patrick had just joined Arma, who was no longer Arma but didn’t have a new name yet. Writing fic about him getting dicked down by Pete felt weird right now. It had been bad enough when Dru had been writing about Joe (who was the same age as Patrick) getting dicked down, but this felt even weirder. People knew who Joe was. There was Joe/Reader fic out there. Ryan had sent one to Spencer because of the one time where they talked to Arma and Joe accidentally looked at Spencer’s boobs. 

 

She opened up AIM. She didn’t want to talk to 504planman, because she didn’t know him, but she didn’t think she could talk to anyone else about Dru. The Wentzleys didn’t care, and there weren’t enough Petekeys to matter. 

 

_ iam-clandestine: whats ur opinion on teens having sex with adults _

_ 504planman: uh bad? _

_ iam-clandestine: not irl. in fic _

_ 504planman: still bad but like. at least its not real people _

_ iam-clandestine: what if it was real people? like pete and patrick/joe real people? _

_ 504planman: if it was joe and anyone it’d make me feel weird but joe’s eighteen now so… idk _

_ iam-clandestine: this girl’s been writing about him and pete since he was 16 or 17 tho _

_ iam-clandestine: shes known for it and now she’s writing patrick instead bc he’s cuter or some bullshit _

_ 504planman: who _

_ iam-clandestine: druscilla_writes. she doesn’t like me bc i’m a wentzley _

_ 504planman: that’s a dumb reason to dislike someone _

_ 504planman: would it make you feel better if i told you i know for sure that joe trohman straight? _

_ iam-clandestine: and how would you know that??  _

_ 504planman: we made out once bc he wanted to know _

 

Ryan stared at her laptop screen. 

 

She closed her laptop and pulled out her phone. “Hey, Spence, are you home right now?”

 

“Yeah, what’s up?” Spencer said. Ryan wasn’t surprised that she was home. Ryan was the more social of the two of them, and that was because she hated being at her own house with nothing to do. People were an easy distraction, and Ryan didn’t hate all of the attention. 

 

Ryan looked at her clock. “Can you pick me up? Don’t wanna be home alone right now.”

 

“Yeah,” Spencer said. “Mom and I will be over in like, twenty minutes.”

 

“You’re awesome,” Ryan said. She hung up, and then started texting Sherri so that she wouldn’t have to think about 504planman making out with Joe from Arma. 

 

Ryan still didn’t know which member he was. She knew he wasn’t Tom, because he’d mentioned Tom by name. That meant he was either Mikey (not Way), Jon, or Nick. He could be any of them, because Ryan had never heard of the band before she started talking to the guy, and so she didn’t know their personalities the way she knew Arma’s. 

 

She buried her face in her hand and let out a muffled scream. She couldn’t really yell about how frustrated this was making her, because her dad was down the hall and Ryan couldn’t be heard. But she knew something now. One of the members of 504 Plan had made out with Joe Trohman. She didn’t know what she was going to do with that information, other than tell Spencer about it. 

 

Spencer knew everything. 

 

* * *

 

**March 2, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ 504planman: youre not mad at me right? for kissing joe? _

_ iam-clandestine: what?? no. why would i be mad at u for that??? _

_ 504planman: you never messaged me back _

_ iam-clandestine: i was freaking out a little bc thats something i never expected to hear but no, not mad _

_ iam-clandestine: i did realise i have no idea what ur name is tho. /thats/ weird _

_ 504planman: hah _

_ 504planman: i’m jon. the bassist, but i also sing and play guitar and trumpet. i’m a man of many talents _

_ iam-clandestine: i can tell _

_ 504planman: im also a senior in high school and im so fucking done with school im not looking forward to college _

_ 504planman: i just wanna be done and do music shit but noooooooo…. gotta make people proud of me by having a degree to my name _

_ iam-clandestine: u could just get an associates and then do what u really want _

_ 504planman: thats… actually a good idea _

_ iam-clandestine: where r u going (if ur cool with sharing it) _

_ 504planman: u of chicago _

_ iam-clandestine: do you think i should apply there? i’m in that phase of life _

_ 504planman: if u want to _

_ 504planman: the campus is really pretty and its in the middle of chicago so u can still go to shows and shit _

_ iam-clandestine: i’ll check it out then :P _

 

* * *

 

**March 12, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ Spence: y is there a package 4 u @ my house _

_ Ry: bc i ordered sumthing online n didn’t want them 2 kno my address _

_ Spence: so its ok they kno mine >( _

_ Ry: yes _

 

Ryan grinned and hopped on the bus that would take her to Spencer’s house instead of to her own house. She was glad she’d checked her phone instead of immediately heading home. She’d ordered the 504 Plan EP off of their website a few weeks ago, and it had arrived. Ryan didn’t put her own address down for online orders for two reasons. One: her dad. Two: she was terrified of anyone figuring out she was trans online and being able to trace her through her home address. Spencer’s parents were awesome people, and they didn’t care that they got Ryan’s mail sometimes. 

 

“Aren’t you going home?” Sherri asked as she sat down beside Ryan. 

 

“I have to pick up something from Spencer’s house first,” Ryan said. She put her free hand on Sherri’s thigh and thought about how they’d gotten really close to having sex last weekend. 

 

Ryan wasn’t a virgin, and neither was Sherri, but Ryan was still nervous. Ryan hadn’t been in love with the guy she’d lost her virginity to, and she’d never had full-on sex with a girl. So no matter what, this would be new. 

 

Sherri scooted closer to Ryan and placed her head on Ryan’s shoulder. “You’re not cheating on me, are you? You’re always at Spencer’s house.”

 

“Oh, no,” Ryan said, shaking her head. “Spencer’s like my sister. I’m over there all the time because her parents like me and she has better wifi than my house. That’s all. We’re not doing anything.”

 

“Good,” Sherri said. She kissed Ryan. “You’re my one and only, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”

 

Ryan smiled and kissed her. They ended up making out, because they were two teenagers and everyone else but Ryan thought they were a straight couple, so they could get away with it. Ryan knew better, and she also knew when to stop kissing her girlfriend so that she could pull the string and request her stop. 

 

Sherri ended up getting off with Ryan, which Ryan didn’t mind. Spencer wasn’t a big fan of Sherri, mostly because Sherri took up all of Ryan’s attention when the three of them were together, and Spencer always felt like she was the third wheel. 

 

Spencer was the only one who knew about Ryan. Sherri didn’t know because Ryan didn’t know how to tell her, and she wasn’t sure if she could risk their relationship yet. She loved Sherri, obviously, but they hadn’t been dating for a full year yet. Ryan would tell her girlfriend that she was a girl eventually. She just needed the right moment. 

 

Spencer’s dad let the two of them in and reminded them that Sherri wasn’t allowed upstairs. Spencer’s parents were awesome. They knew that Spencer was gay, and that Ryan liked guys and girls, and their only requirement was that no one did anything dirty under their roof. Ryan could have any of her friends upstairs so long as she wasn’t dating them, and the same went for Spencer. Gender didn’t matter in the Smiths’ house. 

 

Spencer tossed the package at Ryan’s head. “Catch, mother fucker.”

 

“Spencer! Language!” her dad yelled from the other room. 

 

Spencer rolled her eyes. “Sorry. I meant  _ catch, mother fornicator. _ ”

 

“You could have killed me,” Ryan said, and tore into the package. Sure enough, there was a CD for 504 Plan inside. Ryan grinned. “Do you think we can listen to it in your room if we keep the door open?”

 

“What is it?” Sherri asked, peering over Ryan’s shoulder. 

 

“It’s an EP from a band I know,” Ryan said. That sounded so cool, so casual.  _ Oh, I’m just friends with this up and coming Chicago band. You wouldn’t know them, but you will.  _ She loved it. 

 

“It’s not Arma, is it?” Spencer asked. 

 

“No,” Ryan said. “They’re called 504 Plan. I found them through Arma, though. The bassist is pretty cool, at least online.”

 

“You shouldn’t be talking to people online,” Sherri said, and made a face. “Unless the bassist is hot, and then he can be Spencer’s boyfriend.”

 

“Ew, no,” Spencer said. She grabbed the CD from Ryan and looked it over. Somehow, Sherri still didn’t know that Spencer was gay. Well, mostly gay. She’d definitely date Pete Wentz if the offer ever came up. There weren’t a lot of people who  _ wouldn’t _ date Pete if they had the option. 

 

Ryan poked Spencer in the side. “Come on, let’s go listen to it. I have to tell the band if they suck or not.”

 

* * *

 

**March 14, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ 504planman: did u get it yet? _

_ iam-clandestine: omg r u really messaging me every day until i get ur ep _

_ 504planman: ur our first out of state fan im allowed to be annxious _

_ iam-clandestine: lol _

_ 504planman: so did u get it _

_ iam-clandestine: i did _

_ iam-clandestine: and becuz we’re friends i’ve decided to name the chapter titles of my new fic after the songs _

_ 504planman: ur writing a fic about the ep?? _

_ iam-clandestine: no its the wentzley we talked about earlier but i think it’ll balance out to be 6 chapters like with ur ep _

_ 504planman: u have to credit us in ur notes now _

_ iam-clandestine: of course _

_ 504planman: unrelated but do u listen to midtown at all? _

_ iam-clandestine: sometimes yeah. why  _

_ 504planman: pete/gabe. thoughts? _

_ iam-clandestine: ehhhh i can see them doing a fwb thing but idk _

_ 504planman: i can see it _

_ 504planman: guess i’ll just have to bother some other arma fan until they write it for me _

_ iam-clandestine: or u could write it urself _

_ 504planman: im a shit writer; im better with pictures _

_ iam-clandestine: i think u could do it if you wanted to _

_ iam-clandestine: like most talents, it just takes time _

_ 504planman: well if i do decide to start writing i think i’ll go with the u of chicago newspaper instead of fanfiction _

_ iam-clandestine: why? scared of a little flame war _

_ 504planman: yes actually. how do u put up with dru and all the big name petericks _

_ iam-clandestine: i remember that i’m myspace famous and that i’m prettier than all of them _

_ 504planman: ...that’s one way of doing it _

_ iam-clandestine: im not like. that famous _

_ 504planman: “i think u could do it if u wanted to like most talents it just takes time” goes with being a myspace scene queen too _

_ iam-clandestine: ur ridiculous _

_ 504planman: i know _

 

* * *

 

**March 20, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

Ryan refreshed her IMs again. She knew she was being ridiculous. Just because she and Jon had been messaging each other for a month and a half straight didn’t mean that they always would. Jon had his own life, and according to his LiveJournal, 504 Plan was playing a few shows away from Chicago. 

 

_ He probably doesn’t have access to wifi _ , Ryan thought to herself when there still wasn’t a message from him. She didn’t know if she could consider herself and Jon friends, either. He was just a guy from a band in Chicago who had noticed her fanfiction. They talked, but Ryan talked to a lot of people online. She was a popular fic writer and a semi popular Scene girl. There were a lot of people who wanted her attention, and Ryan didn’t mind giving it to them. 

 

Jon felt different, though. He wasn’t a fan of Fall Out Boy (previously Arma) in the way that Ryan was. He was someone who hung out in the same friend groups as the band, but wasn’t close to the band. He knew more about them than Ryan ever would, but he was still okay with reading what she wrote about them. 

 

Ryan didn’t understand Jon sometimes. She didn’t know if she could write or read fanfiction about someone she knew in real life. It might feel like crossing a line, but she didn’t know because she didn’t know anyone famous. 

 

She went onto LiveJournal instead. Jon hadn’t updated his LiveJournal recently, which made Ryan feel a little better because at least he wasn’t ignoring her. He just wasn’t online at all. She went back to her own profile and posted a little thing about Pete and Mikey and having a long distance relationship. She didn’t connect it to herself or to Jon, because that would be weird. Jon had a girlfriend, according to his page, and Ryan had Sherri. They weren’t going to be one of those online Scene couples that broke up every other month just for the drama. 

 

Dru had posted yet another weird Pete/Patrick fic. This one involved Patrick in women’s underwear, and it made Ryan feel gross. It made her feel like she wasn’t a real girl, and that she was just a boy who liked being a weirdo and wearing panties. 

 

Ryan slammed her laptop shut and stormed to the bathroom. She stared herself down in the mirror and waited until her vision was blurry with tears. She hated it. She hated who she was, and that her body didn’t match up with who she was. She knew that everyone on MySpace edited their photos, but no one else used Photoshop the way Ryan did. No one else had to add in breasts or remove their jawline and the bumps on their neck. 

 

“Why are you here?” Ryan growled at the blurred image in the mirror. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth and bit down on the flesh. Her voice was the worst. She sounded so fucking ugly. She sounded like the drag queens downtown, but not the good ones. The ones with wigs from Party City and smudged makeup and no attempt to hide that they were still men. 

 

Ryan squeezed her eyes shut and turned off the lights. She locked the door before sinking down to the floor and curling in on herself. Dru didn’t know shit. Dru was a fucking creep who liked to turn Patrick and Joe into jailbait and had weird kinks. Dru didn’t know Ryan was trans, and the fic had nothing to do with her. She knew she could wear girl clothes, because she was a girl. She had to be. She only felt comfortable with herself when she made herself look like a girl. 

 

Ryan bit into her hand again so that she wouldn’t cry out loud. She didn’t want her dad to hear. It’d be bad enough if he found her sitting in the bathroom in the dark. Ryan didn’t want to explain herself. She knew she couldn’t. 

 

* * *

 

**March 21, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

_ 504planman: hey im so sorry i didn't message u i was away and couldnt find internet anywhere _

_ iam-clandestine: i figured from your profile _

_ 504planman: i forgot u followed me _

_ iam-clandestine: how else would i keep up with the best band in chicago _

_ 504planman: ….very funny i kno that title belongs to fall out boy now _

_ iam-clandestine: u guys are a close second then _

_ 504planman: i appreciate that :) _

_ 504planman: so what did u get up 2 while i was out _

 

Ryan paused. She felt like saying, “oh, just had a mental breakdown in my bathroom because I’m a girl in a guy’s body and everyone either thinks I’m a freak or a weird porn category,” was a good idea. No one online knew she was trans. Everyone thought she was just a regular cis girl, with boobs and boy problems and a crush on Pete Wentz. Ryan only had the crush on Pete Wentz. 

 

_ iam-clandestine: nothing much _

_ 504planman: just school then? _

_ iam-clandestine: yea _

_ iam-clandestine: im pretty boring, unlike my online persona _

_ 504planman: can’t believe i got catfished by a fangirl _

_ iam-clandestine: could be worse _

_ 504planman: yea, i could be getting catfished by pete himself _

_ 504planman: ur not pete right?? _

_ iam-clandestine: nope _

_ iam-clandestine: dont want to be him either _

_ 504planman: that would be a little weird if u did want to be him, bc i don’t want pete to kno i read about him banging mikey and andy _

_ iam-clandestine: more like getting banged by andy and mikey _

_ iam-clandestine: not at the same time tho _

_ 504planman: no obviously not _

_ iam-clandestine: ...that would be one hell of an ot3 tho _

_ 504planman: ot3?? _

_ iam-clandestine: right ur not fandom. ot3 comes from otp which means one true pairing. and ot3 is the threeway version of it _

_ 504planman: makes sense _

_ iam-clandestine: concept: pete as a catfish _

_ 504planman: who’s he catfishing _

_ iam-clandestine: mikey? i guess? _

_ 504planman: im on board _

_ 504planman: how would he do it _

_ iam-clandestine: he’d probably suck balls at it but he’d definitely call himself peter instead of just pete _

_ 504planman: peter went _

_ iam-clandestine: lol basically _

_ 504planman: how does mikey not realise that his online friend named peter went is a catfish. and who does he use as his fake self? _

_ iam-clandestine: mikey doesn’t kno fuckin anything _

_ iam-clandestine: and andy obvs _

_ 504planman: im so ready for this fic _

_ 504planman: no pressure, obvs. u dont have to write it _

_ iam-clandestine: too bad i’m doing it i and dedicating it to you  _

_ 504planman: oh god _

 

Ryan laughed to herself. She quickly muffled the noise, because her dad had come back and he was drunk and pissed and Ryan didn’t want to deal with him. Ryan never wanted to deal with him. There was a small part of her that wanted to give up and move in with the Smith’s, but she couldn’t do that to them. Ryan was too much, and she couldn’t leave her dad alone. She didn’t like him, or love him, really, but she couldn’t abandon him. 

 

Ryan rubbed her hands over her face, and then winced because she’d been wearing eyeliner. 

 

She sighed. “Whatever. No one’s going to see my face anyway.”

 

_ 504planman: not to be weird but would u ever want to skype? _

_ iam-clandestine: i can’t really do that bc my dad might here and he’s an ass _

 

Ryan took a deep breath. Jon wasn’t the first guy (or online person) to ask to Skype with her, but she’d said no to everyone. Even the people on MySpace.  _ Especially _ the people on MySpace. Ryan didn’t pass well, but there was no chance of her passing as a girl if she talked. Her voice was low, and gravely, and she sounded like a guy. She couldn’t convince anyone she was really a girl like that. 

 

_ iam-clandestine: soz _

_ iam-clandestine: i mean if u want my face i do have a myspace _

_ 504planman: whatever ur comfortable with _

_ 504planman: i am a random guy on the internet so i get it if u dont want to share things _

_ iam-clandestine: its a public myspace dw _

_ 504planman: ok then; guess i’ll take it _

 

* * *

 

**April 2, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

“How do you decide if someone’s safe to come out to?” Ryan asked Spencer. They were at lunch without any of their other friends because Ryan needed to talk to her friend alone. 

 

Spencer shrugged. “I don’t know, man. I usually wait for them to say something nice about gay people, or like, Ellen or something, and then I throw out the whole  _ oh hey, guess what, I’m also a huge lesbian _ .”

 

“What if they’re an internet friend?” Ryan asked. Spencer rolled her eyes, and Ryan kicked her under the table. She knew that Spencer didn’t get the whole internet friend thing. Spencer was convinced that all of the people Ryan knew online were all creepy old men who were trying to kidnap her. Some of them might be, but Ryan wasn’t an idiot. She knew how to keep people from finding things out about her. “I’m serious, Spence. He seems like a cool guy, but he’s never mentioned anything about gay stuff.”

 

Ryan paused. “Wait. Actually, he said he’s made out with a guy so he’s probably cool with it.”

 

“Guys make out with each other sometimes,” Spencer said. “It’s the whole no homo thing they do.”

 

Ryan frowned. “Sounds fake.”

 

“It’s not. Unfortunately,” Spencer said. She rolled her eyes again and flicked her hair out of her face. She’d gotten her bangs cut too short, so they kept covering her eyes and not in the cool way. “Men are the worst.”

 

“Are we including Pete Wentz in this, or is he still your one exception?” Ryan asked. Spencer kicked her back. Ryan figured she deserved that. She’d found that every gay girl had one exception, one guy they’d go for and not feel bad about it. Spencer’s was Pete Wentz, even though she tried to deny it sometimes. 

 

“Pete Wentz is fucking weird, Ry,” Spencer said. “And I really hope he’s not your internet friend because I don’t want you to do anything with him.”

 

_ A little late for that one, Spence, _ Ryan thought to herself. She’d literally had her mouth on Pete’s dick last year, but she wasn’t going to mention that to her friend. Spencer was already stressed out by the amount of fame Ryan had online. She didn’t know that Ryan was also running around and sucking famous dicks. 

 

Pete was the only famous dick she’d touched, though. She didn’t have plans to change that. 

 

Ryan shook her head. “It’s not Pete. His name’s Jon, and he’s in a band, and he’s a year older than me. He’s a normal guy, I promise. I just don’t know if I can tell him that I’m… you know.”

 

“Bisexual or like, secretly not a guy?” Spencer asked. 

 

Ryan rolled her eyes. “Spencer. He’s online. He knows I’m bi, but he thinks I’m a cis girl.”

 

“Ah,” Spencer said. She frowned. “Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe ask him if he knows what a transgender person even is.”

 

* * *

 

**April 2, 2003; Las Vegas, Nevada.**

 

It was three AM. Ryan did not make good decisions with her life. Jon had marked his AIM as online, though, so the two of them were making equally bad decisions in life. They were on even ground. All Ryan had to do was say hi. 

 

_ 504planman: isn’t it late on teh west coast? _

_ iam-clandestine: who says im on the west coast? _

_ 504planman: ur myspace says ur a vegas girl _

_ iam-clandestine: i forgot i gave you that _

_ 504planman: you’re really pretty by the way _

_ 504planman: not in… not in a creepy way. u just have a nice face _

_ iam-clandestine: i thought u had a girl friend o.o _

_ 504planman: i did but we broke up about a month ago _

_ iam-clandestine: yikes _

_ iam-clandestine: do i need to call her a bitch or anything _

_ 504planman: no we’re on good terms. but we both wanted to follow our dreams and my dreams involve teching with bands while hers involved south american journalism stuff so. we’re no longer a thing but we’re friends _

_ iam-clandestine: i guess that’s better than nothing _

_ 504planman: yeah _

_ 504planman: kind of wish i had something more to do with my life tho _

_ 504planman: i love chicago but idk if i’m really supposed to spend the rest of my life following bands around and living the garage band tour life _

_ iam-clandestine: at least you like where you live. i feel like i’m constantly running but i don’t have a destination in mind. im just moving to move _

_ 504planman: well if u ever find urself moving to chicago we should hang out sometime _

_ iam-clandestine: speaking of hanging out, have you ever heard of transgender people? _

_ 504planman: are they the dudes who wear dresses or is that something else? _

_ iam-clandestine: uhhh no _

_ iam-clandestine: those are drag queens _

_ 504planman: ok then i’ve seen drag queens dance on andy and scare the shit out of him because he was trying to tell tom and i a story _

_ iam-clandestine: that is hilarious, i’m putting that in a fic, but that is not what i’m trying to talk about rn _

_ 504planman: ok i will keep my fingers zipped _

_ iam-clandestine: ...ur weird _

_ iam-clandestine: anyway! transgender people are people who were told they were a guy/girl as a kid but they’re really the other gender _

_ iam-clandestine: it’s different than drag bc for a lot of drag ppl its just a costume but transgender ppl are always transgender even when they don’t get to be themselves and have to act like the gender they’re not _

_ 504planman: interesting _

_ 504planman: so like… if i was like “oh i’m a girl” i’d be transgender? _

_ iam-clandestine: uhh kind of? u don’t decide it; it’s more like being gay/bisexual. it just is and u don’t choose it _

_ 504planman: so do transgender people /know/ they’re transgender or do they do the gay thing where they realise “o shit i’ve been living a lie and i’m not into girls/a girl/whatever” _

_ iam-clandestine: yeah pretty much _

_ 504planman: makes sense _

_ 504planman: transgender people are like gay people but about themselves and not about other. cool  _

_ iam-clandestine: im not laughing at u because ur wrong im laughing because that’s the weirdest way of explaining trans stuff i’ve ever encountered _

_ 504planman: hey i’m trying my best! _

_ iam-clandestine: i know and i appreciate that _

_ 504planman: wait _

_ 504planman: are /u/ transgender? are u a guy now? is that why ur telling me this? _

_ iam-clandestine: uh yes but actually i’m still a girl  _

_ 504planman: wait how _

_ 504planman: i thought the transgender thing was doing the opposite  _

_ iam-clandestine: it is, but i was told i was a boy as a kid and realised i was really a girl when i was like 13 _

_ 504planman: wait what _

_ 504planman: hold on _

_ 504planman: so you’re a girl? and you used to be a guy? _

_ iam-clandestine: yes _

_ 504planman: holy shit i thought you were a not transgender girl who’d just figured out she was a transgender guy and was coming out to me as a guy _

_ 504planman: is it called coming out? _

_ iam-clandestine: yeah _

_ 504planman: ok _

_ 504planman: so let me recap real quick: ur ry. ur a girl. but ppl used to say u were a boy and u were like “actually i am not”? _

_ iam-clandestine: yes _

_ 504planman: so nothing about u has changed ur just telling me that ur transgender? _

_ iam-clandestine: yes _

_ 504planman: ok. that... that was more complicated than it needed to be and i complicated it so soz _

_ iam-clandestine: it’s cool; when i told my bff i was trans it took her a while to sort that out too _

_ 504planman: can i call u dude or does that make u uncomfortable? since ppl used to treat u like a dude but ur not one _

_ iam-clandestine: i don’t mind it _

_ 504planman: sweet _

_ 504planman: can we talk about the drag queen au now or is there anything else you wanted to tell me? _

 

Ryan let out a laugh of relief. That was easier than she’d expected. Sure, Jon wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, but he understood the important parts and he wasn’t asking Ryan any gross questions about what she had in her pants. He understood that she was a girl, and he’d even asked if he could call her a guy term. 

 

Ryan grinned. Jon was a good internet friend. Spencer didn’t know shit. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> Edit (04/23/18): so I'm dating the person I was talking about for this fic. That's the miracle of fanfiction.


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